You remember these screens because they made you wait.
They go in order, from your childhood to last night: the family computer, the phone line after dinner, the essay due at nine, the office printer, the three dots at 1am. Nobody ever said sorry for all that waiting. So at the end, we tell you why it happened.
The bar that lies
Two progress bars. Both take exactly ten seconds to load nothing. Watch both, then tell us which one felt faster. Designers have known the answer since 2007.
In 2007, researchers tested progress bars on people and found something odd: the same wait feels different depending on how the bar moves. A bar that starts slow and speeds up at the end feels faster than an honest one. In the follow-up study, a bar with ripples moving backward, like bar two, made the same wait feel about 11 percent shorter, and people liked it better (p < 0.001). Designers read those papers. Your progress bars have been managing your feelings ever since.
This part loaded instantly. It is the only part that admits it.
The loading bar at the start of this page was fake. The page was ready in a third of a second. The stages, the crawl, the stall at 99, all an act.
Engineers are not doing this to be mean. A blank screen, even one that is working, feels broken. A bar that crawls feels like progress. So they give us the crawl. Turns out we would rather watch a small lie than stare at nothing. Fair enough.
Your receipt: you spent 0:00 in this museum waiting for things that were not loading. Everything here was ready before you arrived.
One email when the next one exists
That is the whole offer. No welcome sequence, no upsell. If you want out, the link is at the bottom of every one and I will not chase you.