Kept 'mud'? It is the strongest wrong word in the sentence and the picture everyone takes away, but it is where she was rather than what happened. Kept 'chest-deep', 'four' or 'hours'? Same: that is how bad it was, not the event. Kept 'stormed' or 'out'? That is how he came to be outside, and it is the joke, but the sentence already has room for it. Kept 'three' or 'down'? That is the score.
This one really happened. Alastair Cass is 40 and runs his own business in Devon. Arsenal were being beaten three-nil by Brighton and he had had enough, so he walked out of the house. From outside he heard a woman calling from the valley behind it. She had been stuck in mud up to her chest for four hours and could not move. He went down on a four-wheeled ATV with planks and rope, got her secure and stayed with her until the emergency services reached them at Chulmleigh and pulled her out. 'Just due to the game and how it went was the only reason why I stepped out the house, as I'd had enough,' he told SWNS. She sent him a card afterwards. It said: 'Thanks to Arsenal for being rubbish at football!'
Every word, accounted for
ArsenalThe club. It has nothing to do with the rescue and it is the whole reason the rescue happened.
wereA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
threeGoes with down. The score at the moment he had had enough.
downGoes with three. Brighton were winning three-nil.
whenA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
aA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
fanWho he is in this story. Not a walker, not a neighbour: a supporter who could not watch any more.
stormedWhat he did, and the funniest verb here, but it is how he got outside rather than what he did out there.
outGoes with stormed.
ofA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
hisA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
houseWhere he was watching. Setting.
andA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
inA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
theA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
valleyWhere she was. A place, and places are not what happened.
belowGoes with valley.
heA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
foundThe act. He was not looking for her and he found her anyway.
aA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
strandedHer situation. She had not fallen and she was not hurt; she could not move.
womanWho he found. The five needs her in it.
chest-deepHow far in she was, and the worst picture in the sentence.
inA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
mudWhat she was stuck in, and the strongest wrong word here. It is where she was, not what happened.
forA little word. It only holds the sentence together.
fourGoes with hours.
hoursGoes with four. How long nobody came, which is the fact that stays with you and still is not the answer.